After reading the comments from my professor and peers I got some good feedback. I realized I had some strong details, but I didn’t connect my personal story to an overall idea well. I needed to work on making sure the universal idea was pronounced and understandable. My professor gave me a link to an article on focus in writing. This helped me strengthen the focus of the piece. Another thing my peer commented on was how the transition between some of the paragraphs was a little confusing. This was another thing I revised.
In the article, there were many different ways they talked about on how to create focus in your writing. They also talked about making sure the point you are trying to make is the focus of the piece. I used this information to refine the focus of my writing. I decided to change the universal idea I was trying to get across because my original idea wasn’t strong enough. After I changed my message, I tried to incorporate it into the writing more. Before I only talked about the message at the end so I tried to add it into the rest of the piece.
For the transitions between paragraphs, I just added more to give a small background to what’s happening. I mainly added to the transition between paragraphs two and three. Added just a small preface to the situation helped to clarify what was happening. After reading over the added transition, I saw how the writing made a lot more sense.
After reading my revised paper, I realized how much it improved. The universal message was a lot stronger and more pronounced. It made the writing more relatable and easier to understand. The added transitions helped the writing flow a lot more. Overall, the revision helped to improve my writing a lot.