After reading over the reviews I had gotten on Essay two, I started to revise. My professor pointed out how awkward my first paragraph was so I started with that. I changed most of the paragraph because it was choppy. I started with an introduction to the article and the assignment. I kept the base of my thesis, but then added on. I added specific principles like the Invariant Right and the decompression zone in my thesis. This gives the reader a better idea of what my paper will include.
I went through my writing and tried to cut back on any repetition I had. Paragraph three where I talked about the Invariant Right had a lot of repetition. I tried to take most of this repetition out. When looking for repetition, I also fixed up my word choice and sentence structure. The revision page on style my professor recommended I look at talked about the passive voice. I read up on it and tried to take out the passive voice where it didn’t fit. The style page also helped me with my word choice and taking away the repetition.
Another revision I made was on descriptive verbs. In my rough draft, I used a lot of “is” and “are”. I went through my writing and changed a lot of these descriptions. Instead of saying, “snare stands are leaning,” I said, “snare stands leaned.” I feel this helped my writing flow a lot better. Overall, I fixed up my choppy first paragraph and I adjusted my style of writing this essay.